The Insider : Short Game Syndrome

By Paul Ford - Republished from Outright 57 (spring 2024)

The Indian industrial outpost of Greater Noida enshrined itself in Kiwi cricket folklore after extraordinary scenes surrounded the Black Caps’ recently abandoned Test match against Afghanistan. Some of the landscaping prowess re-turfing the oval with grass from the practice ground was superb, but my personal favourite was the bloke sitting on the ground holding a regular table fan plugged into a multibox on the end of a memorably long extension cord.

The match being abandoned also caused a ripple of excitement through the nether regions of international cricket nerds around the globe, becoming only the eighth Test to be called off without a ball being bowled in the 147-year history of the men’s format. And as a card-carrying member of the aforementioned nerd club, with a degree of trepidation and a cloak of dread it got me thinking about the other shortest Test matches in New Zealand’s cricketing past.

New Zealand vs Pakistan, Carisbrook, 1989 [0 balls bowled]

The House of Pain became the House of Heavy Sweeping Rain for this Test series opener and any prospects of the John Wright and Imran Khan-led XIs playing any long-form cricket were washed into the storm water drains of Caversham after two days of the Otago summer. 

The wisdom of the decision to pull the pin was proved on the scheduled 4th day when an unofficial one-dayer was played on a pitch described as “alarmingly variable”. Martin Snedden, Ewen Chatfield and Willie Watson were sending chin music and Sir Richard Hadlee wreaked havoc (5/38) despite some superb batting from the since disgraced Salim Malik.

New Zealand vs India, Carisbrook, 1998 [0 balls bowled]

The Dunedin summer and the world’s southernmost Test cricket venue combined forces as this pre-Christmas fixture was abandoned in controversial circumstances. Prolonged deluges continued into the third day of the first Test and the match referee invited both teams to extend the match by a day - but India declined much to NZ coach Steve Rixon’s chagrin. "I just don't understand why they wouldn't want to play,” he bristled before going fully Australian. “We're supposedly the underdogs - I thought they’d be keen to get out there and prove it. You can't win games of cricket sitting in the dressing room."

England v New Zealand, Old Trafford 1931 [71 overs]

The third Test match was described by Wisden as “a most depressing affair” that ended in a “hopeless draw” with the game not getting going until 3pm on the final day. New Zealand’s first ever Test captain Tom Lowry elected to bowl and his pacemen would not have thanked him as the English top order pounded leather to all corners. England cricket colossus Herbert Sutcliffe plundered 109 out of a total of 224. There's a great yarn about Sutcliffe playing cricket for both Poverty Bay and Wairoa in 1933, but that is for another day.

NZ v India, Madras, 1995 [71.1 overs]

The circumstances surrounding the third Test were a reminder of nature’s extraordinary power and occasional inconvenience with the game played in the aftermath of a total solar eclipse and heavily affected by a horrendous tropical cyclone.

In Roger Twose’s debut Test, the newly relaid outfield was denounced as the “villain of the piece”, absorbing the moisture rather than draining it away. Indian fans may have still been reasonably happy regardless as their beloved Little Master whipped up an unbeaten 52. Meanwhile, murky Manoj Prabhakar was grinding away at the other end: his 41 not out opening the batting took over 5 hours across 4 days. Hilariously both NZ (skippered by Cricket NSW CEO Lee Germon) and India were keen to play a 50-over match on the 5th day but the local major association wouldn’t have a bar of it. 

NZ v South Africa, Kingsmead, 2016 [99 overs]

Another newly scarified outfield ruined this Test too, a failed experiment being played in the Durban winter and ultimately consisting of four playable sessions. The management of the ground came in for sharp criticism for being ill-prepared for rain, and not being able to cover the entire outfield. When cricket was played, the conditions were exactly what fast bowlers dreamed of - eye-popping humidity, cloud cover, high tides and artificial lights - with Trent Boult and Neil Wagner taking advantage before a Fanta-fuelled Dale Steyn and the metronomic Vernon Philander got into their work. With the Black Caps at 15/2 and still more than 240 runs in arrears, the Proteas were getting excited. “We were dying to get out there,” Faf du Plessis said. 

NZ v Australia, Basin Reserve, 1946 [2 days]

The first ever trans-Tasman Test match in front of 20,000 dreamers was also the first post-WWII Test match out of the blocks, legendary leggie Bill ‘Tiger’ O’Reilly’s final match for Australia (aged 40!), and the beginning of several legends’ careers including the swashbuckling Keith ‘Messerschmitt ‘ Miller. 

Mercifully Don Bradman was not selected because he had fibrositis, but he was not needed with Walt ‘the Salt’ Hadlee’s New Zealand pulverised for 42 in the first innings, then improving by 30 percent to muster 54 in the second. All this after Australia declared at 199/8 and Jack Cowie snared a mighty 6/40. Wisden reported: “The game was over by tea on the second day. Delighted New Zealand officials offered to top-up the meagre £1 a day expenses paid to the Australians by their board. The ACB refused and, as Miller noted, many returned home out of pocket.”

NZ v Zimbabwe, Harare Sports Club, 2005 [2 days]

A two-day crushing of Zimbabwe so complete and utter that the African nation’s Test status was immediately questioned. 

"It was so terrible that one-day international prospects like Stuart Matsikenyeri, Gavin Ewing, and Mark Vermeulen offered better batting while facing throw downs in the nets,” Lawrence Moyo reported. “Those concentrating on the proceedings on the real field were offered better value for their day by the security guards marching to the wicket at the end of the day.”

Zimbabwe lost 20 wickets in a single day, succumbing for 59 and 99 following on after New Zealand walloped 452/9 on the first day. The ignominy was summed up by Chris Mpofu’s effort: he recorded identical dismissals in consecutive sessions having been stumped by Brendon McCullum off the bowling of Daniel Vettori for a pair of 7-ball ducks.

Paul Ford is one-third of The BYC Podcast, one-seventh of The Alternative Commentary Collective, and a co-founder of the Beige Brigade. He likes Test matches that go for 15 sessions.